This would have been the last day of my holiday. Tomorrow I would have been going back to work. You can’t imagine the mixture of fear and elation that flows through me at the realization. Elation that now my time starts seriously. Fear? That’s a strange one because it isn’t fear for what lies ahead. Not at all. In fact, nothing but sunshine leads the way. The fear is for what might have been if I hadn’t made this decision. The understanding that if I hadn’t had the courage to do this, I would be back dealing with mega-stress tomorrow. Spooky stuff!
So, tomorrow it starts for real. Not that I have been sitting on my rear end. Oh no. I have been getting up in the morning with a spring in my step and hope in my heart. It is so long since that was true that I had lost sight of the possibility. It is so easy to get sucked into a life that is less than one deserves. And the getting out takes more courage than you would believe. If you are sceptical about how this could work, read my post on how to do it.
So the update.
I get up when I want and go to bed when I am tired. I get more sleep now. Years of under-sleeping had taken its toll. And now I am getting enough sleep, at last. The difference is that I no longer have the well-known mid-afternoon slump that most office workers get. I guess that is a mixture of enough sleep and a lack of boredom.
I am working as many hours as I was before but I do it with joy. So far I am earning heaps and heaps less than before but the money is dribbling in. I notified a couple of the Facebook groups I am a part of that I was available for a range of jobs, and they have been getting in touch with photograph requests, post requests, graphic art requests and admin work. I can’t ask much for my work because bloggers are a chronically broke lot but give freely from their hearts on their blogs. I have also been asked to do a couple of weeks of training work by my cranky ex-boss next month. But I haven’t really tried yet to get anything else.
I walk each day to the beach and I sit or stand there for 10-15 minutes staring at the sea and the people relaxing in the water. I am completely tranquil, in the moment. A few weeks ago, I used to stare at the sea, and tears would come to my eyes for the futility of my days, for the pain I felt, for the longing in my heart for another way. Sunday afternoons, in particular, used to be crushing in the oppression of yet another mindless week ahead. Dramatic? Sure. But it is all a lot clearer now that I have peace, now that I have time to put things into perspective. I was miserable, frantic and desperate. Had been for years – ever since my father died and I mindlessly started full time work in the real estate industry in an attempt to be busy enough to forget for a few hours what he had gone through. And the realization that good men can die badly. It took away my faith that positivity always won, that there was a solution to everything if you dug deep enough. The understanding that it was all random hit hard and has never left me. Life is different now and my understanding of it has shifted irrevocably. I am a new sadder person who looks at the stars and only sees stars.
But, by leaving my job, I have left that chapter of bleakness behind me and I am coming out the other side of a darkness that all but consumed me. Just in time. With my health deteriorating, there was no way but down.
And talking of my health, I am down from four different medications for pain and inflammation to one painkiller. And I don’t even know if I still need it. It is a small yellow pill called Nortriptyline, which is used for depression in large doses – 170mg. An interesting side effect of these pills when taken by depressed souls was that any pain they had been experiencing disappeared. So the medical profession investigated and they found that at 10mg, if taken on a regular basis, it could minimize chronic pain. This is my pill. I take one every night with dinner. It works better over time. So now, how do I know if I can come off it or not? Has my leaving my job solved my problems or have the pills solved my problems? Quite a quandary. I see my specialist at the end of the month and I shall ask her.
I am working gradually through a long to-do list for my blog and love the ticking-off process. I am connecting with other bloggers of similar interests and the exchange of information and help is inspiring. Today, I chatted through Facebook for hours with an American blogger with a big heart, and she helped me in innumerable ways with ideas and support. I could never have done that before. I would have chatted for five minutes and then have excused myself because I had so much else to achieve before the day ended. However, I am still surprised at how quickly a day passes – nothing different there.
I still have a messy study but I have sold some books and am going to take the rest to the local charity shop. They are off my floor and in cartons now. So, a little progress has been made. Most of upstairs has been cleared out and pared down to the essentials. Next, I will be moving on to the downstairs area but, down there, I will be more restricted because two of the rooms are where my husband has his work office and workshop, and another three – bedroom, bathroom and a study/lounge – are the department of my son. I will work around their spaces and do what I can.
To sum up, all is well in my world. Each day is exciting and relaxing and stimulating. Who can ask for more?
So beautiful, Suzanne.. It’s wonderful how much release that this has given you.
Being able to put your journey into words will not only help you to heal but others as well.
Thank you, Marianne. You often don’t know how bad a situation really is until you get out of it. And then you wonder why you stayed so long.
Great post! This is how I am currently feeling now (the dread of going to work). Except mine starts on Saturday night b/c I work Sunday through Friday. I am so over it and ready to be on my own. But, I cannot make any hasty decisions, as I need my current paycheck to pay my bills and squirrel away for my 6 month living expense fund. But, reading your journey is keeping me optimistic that I can do this. I really need to remember to take care of my health right now too. My health is in a precarious position, so I have to remember to get enough sleep and always eat as well as I can. I am trying to work smarter and no harder right now, but I still have these moments of fear and panic – mostly thinking there is no way I can save up 6 months of living expenses and I will forever have to work for “the man”. I can’t wait to read more of your story! 🙂
P.S. Walks on the beach? That sound SO lovely!
I am really sorry to hear about your situation, Jessica but it’s fantastic that you have a plan. Put the money aside from each pay packet and don’t waver from that. Then you will see the progress and not feel so desperate. The planning is essential for you to see the light. Without this, you will stress yourself out even more than is necessary and that won’t help your health. Easier said than done, I know. Stress is an insidious thing.
Good on you Suzanne for taking the plunge. scary but worthwhile,
wishing you wonderful success and health
Jane
Thanks, Jane. I hope you are doing well.
Doing better Suzanne, have had a depression thing going on for a few months, but coping better now
Jane
I see you posting in Facebook and have been worried about you. What is going on? Is it just a chemical imbalance?
Probably just too much of everything. We got back from our holiday end july and a week later mum was having life threatening surgery – amputation – and then stuff with writing and deadlines etc. all got a bit too much and i could feel myself slipping into depression again. am on meds which have helped and i’m having learn to let go and just BE, very difficult. also having to like me as i am now, not what i want to be or think i should be – weird brain stuff given i’m meant to be a grown up! you’d think i’d get my act together since i’m closing in on 60 in a couple of years.
I’m really sorry to hear about your troubles. Elderly parents and their health issues break your heart and there is little you can do about it. Perhaps you have to let go of something in order to not be so overwhelmed. We think we should be able to do it all – super women. But others eventually get used to it if we stop doing it all. The problem is in us at the end of the day. I am very guilty of trying to be everything for everyone. Our brains sure are weird – at any age!!
Yay! Thank you for the update. I’m happy to hear that you again have a spring in your step and hope in your heart. …and that you can now appreciate and again ‘see’ the beautiful sea again. <3
Thanks, Jessica. I like the ‘see’ the sea part. Yes, things are looking up, that’s for sure.
Backing up your faxes can be a trouble, particularly when you use an older type of fax machine. You can frequently finish up with massive piles of papers on your desk, in file cupboards, and in briefcases. Documents can be misplaced or misplaced effortlessly, particularly if you get a great deal of junk faxes and unimportant paperwork combined in with them. How can you resolve these issues, though?
This new technologies not only saves you 50 to sixty % on your month-to-month telephone bill. It also offers a host of solutions the telephone company cannot. One of these – a “get virtual sms number” — can eliminate lengthy distance charges to buddies and family members who want to contact you. Right here’s how it works.
My favorite way to talk to people is more than Skype(tm). With the right established up, you can have extremely clear and simple to comprehend discussions without yelling at each other and you can include video if you like. My neice likes to “call” from my brothers laptop then operate about showing me issues with the camera. It truly is pretty cool sometimes. The laptop computer functions good for resort rooms and any exactly where on the road. You can use a headset if you want a semi-personal discussion. You can do a lot much better for your home or workplace.
You get tons of integrated attributes. Stop paying additional for calling features as most VOIP companies offer a plethora of features for totally free. Some of these features might consist of three way contacting, voicemail, voicemail to e-mail, e911, caller ID, and many much more.
I utilized Microsoft Workplace Reside Small Company to develop a Free web site, Free hosting, and a Totally free domain. I want I could say there is a capture, but there really isn’t. I guess the only caveat is you have to be a small computer savvy to build it using Microsoft’s free on-line resources, but it’s truly just all ‘point and click’ (I constructed my wife’s housecleaning web website, utilizing Workplace Reside, in just below two hours). They also give you pointers on how to marketplace your web site. So, go established up your totally free web site, and get your new web deal with! Don’t forget to include your WWW deal with to your new Vistaprint business cards!
Would you like to hear what functions best for your colleagues? We share all of our preferred tools, techniques and methods at The Bookkeeper’s Club. I just additional some thrilling new advantages – click here to check it out.
http://forum.silopirehberi.com/profil/deborah48m/14385
I see you don’t monetize your website, don’t waste your
traffic, you can earn additional cash every month because you’ve got hi
quality content. If you want to know how to make extra $$$, search for: Ercannou’s essential adsense alternative
I see you don’t monetize your site, don’t waste your traffic, you can earn extra
cash every month. You can use the best adsense alternative for any type of website (they approve
all websites), for more details simply search in gooogle:
boorfe’s tips monetize your website