This would have been the last day of my holiday. Tomorrow I would have been going back to work. You can’t imagine the mixture of fear and elation that flows through me at the realization. Elation that now my time starts seriously. Fear? That’s a strange one because it isn’t fear for what lies ahead. Not at all. In fact, nothing but sunshine leads the way. The fear is for what might have been if I hadn’t made this decision. The understanding that if I hadn’t had the courage to do this, I would be back dealing with mega-stress tomorrow. Spooky stuff!
So, tomorrow it starts for real. Not that I have been sitting on my rear end. Oh no. I have been getting up in the morning with a spring in my step and hope in my heart. It is so long since that was true that I had lost sight of the possibility. It is so easy to get sucked into a life that is less than one deserves. And the getting out takes more courage than you would believe. If you are sceptical about how this could work, read my post on how to do it.
So the update.
I get up when I want and go to bed when I am tired. I get more sleep now. Years of under-sleeping had taken its toll. And now I am getting enough sleep, at last. The difference is that I no longer have the well-known mid-afternoon slump that most office workers get. I guess that is a mixture of enough sleep and a lack of boredom.
I am working as many hours as I was before but I do it with joy. So far I am earning heaps and heaps less than before but the money is dribbling in. I notified a couple of the Facebook groups I am a part of that I was available for a range of jobs, and they have been getting in touch with photograph requests, post requests, graphic art requests and admin work. I can’t ask much for my work because bloggers are a chronically broke lot but give freely from their hearts on their blogs. I have also been asked to do a couple of weeks of training work by my cranky ex-boss next month. But I haven’t really tried yet to get anything else.
I walk each day to the beach and I sit or stand there for 10-15 minutes staring at the sea and the people relaxing in the water. I am completely tranquil, in the moment. A few weeks ago, I used to stare at the sea, and tears would come to my eyes for the futility of my days, for the pain I felt, for the longing in my heart for another way. Sunday afternoons, in particular, used to be crushing in the oppression of yet another mindless week ahead. Dramatic? Sure. But it is all a lot clearer now that I have peace, now that I have time to put things into perspective. I was miserable, frantic and desperate. Had been for years – ever since my father died and I mindlessly started full time work in the real estate industry in an attempt to be busy enough to forget for a few hours what he had gone through. And the realization that good men can die badly. It took away my faith that positivity always won, that there was a solution to everything if you dug deep enough. The understanding that it was all random hit hard and has never left me. Life is different now and my understanding of it has shifted irrevocably. I am a new sadder person who looks at the stars and only sees stars.
But, by leaving my job, I have left that chapter of bleakness behind me and I am coming out the other side of a darkness that all but consumed me. Just in time. With my health deteriorating, there was no way but down.
And talking of my health, I am down from four different medications for pain and inflammation to one painkiller. And I don’t even know if I still need it. It is a small yellow pill called Nortriptyline, which is used for depression in large doses – 170mg. An interesting side effect of these pills when taken by depressed souls was that any pain they had been experiencing disappeared. So the medical profession investigated and they found that at 10mg, if taken on a regular basis, it could minimize chronic pain. This is my pill. I take one every night with dinner. It works better over time. So now, how do I know if I can come off it or not? Has my leaving my job solved my problems or have the pills solved my problems? Quite a quandary. I see my specialist at the end of the month and I shall ask her.
I am working gradually through a long to-do list for my blog and love the ticking-off process. I am connecting with other bloggers of similar interests and the exchange of information and help is inspiring. Today, I chatted through Facebook for hours with an American blogger with a big heart, and she helped me in innumerable ways with ideas and support. I could never have done that before. I would have chatted for five minutes and then have excused myself because I had so much else to achieve before the day ended. However, I am still surprised at how quickly a day passes – nothing different there.
I still have a messy study but I have sold some books and am going to take the rest to the local charity shop. They are off my floor and in cartons now. So, a little progress has been made. Most of upstairs has been cleared out and pared down to the essentials. Next, I will be moving on to the downstairs area but, down there, I will be more restricted because two of the rooms are where my husband has his work office and workshop, and another three – bedroom, bathroom and a study/lounge – are the department of my son. I will work around their spaces and do what I can.
To sum up, all is well in my world. Each day is exciting and relaxing and stimulating. Who can ask for more?